How does washing dishes and feeling angry help?

One of the more frustrating recovery moments comes when given a recovery tool (usually a spiritual principal) after calling a sponsor or trusted friend in AA or Al-Anon with a hard-core, real-life problem. My initial response to such an event in AA was to question if the advisor had been listening. “Let me get this straight. I called you to talk about what to do with my misbehaving son, about if I should have punished him, about how to handle my anger, and instead of facing this problem head-on you want me to wash the dishes by hand, feel angry, and call you back when I’m finished?” With time the recovery message of staying in the present, doing the job that is in front of me while allowing myself to have whatever feelings I’m having without trying to change those feelings by engaging in AA addictive or Al-Anon codependent behavior sunk in.

As an Al-Anon sponsor I’ve felt the scorn of the sponsee when I’ve suggested the wisdom of reciting the serenity prayer, “God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference” in the face of abusive behavior by a drunken spouse. Giving a direct action answer such as instructing the sponsee to stay and work things out or walk away and leave the addict would be arrogant to imagine that I actually knew the right answer and would hinder the sponsee from using their brain and their relationship with their higher power to find their own answer.

Proverb (source unknown) - Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

I have noticed a difference about sharing in Al-Anon versus AA. The opening to many Al-Anon meetings includes the following statements, “As a group we wish to discourage crosstalk. We defined crosstalk as criticism, direct advise, interrupting or comments directed at an individual.” While many AA meetings traditionally discourage crosstalk, most don’t include guidelines about it in their opening statement. And in AA meetings it is common for people to refer specifically to what another shared, saying, “I don’t agree with what” so-and-so said, elaborating on why something doesn’t work for them, usually followed by how they have found a better way. Worse yet is the direct advice such as, “If I was in your situation, I would” do this, that, or some other thing or even tell them directly that they should take some specific course of action. Many of us have heard a crusty AA codger tell an agnostic or atheist newcomer, “You better get God or get drunk, Buddy.”

I started my 12-step path in AA. My first AA sponsor would often refer back to what two members said previously, agree with one, disagree with the other, and quote the Big Book to defend his opinion. I thought this was pretty cool and followed suit, boosting my fragile ego while developing into what I thought was an AA scholar of sorts, quoting page and verse. Later in recovery, after I going to Al-Anon and internalizing the Al-Anon opening, I realized that this behavior was divisive, derogatory, and kind of cowardly. Unless the person whose share I had derided double dipped, there was no opportunity for them to defend or explain their position. Beside that, do we really need such controversy in a 12-step meeting? And just as importantly, it is difficult to share what is in my heart, all the more so if my heart gets stepped upon after opening it up and laying it upon the meeting altar. Eventually my self-esteem became stronger and I realized that although I think in a point-counterpoint style, I don’t need to share those thoughts. Instead I stick to sharing my own experiences without referring directly to anyone else in the room, much less referring to others in a derogatory manner.

Detachment Via Steps 3 & 11

Detachment is an Al-Anon concept that is not mentioned, much less emphasized in AA. The crux of the Al-Anon illness is an inability to differentiate self from other. As Al-Anons, we focus on the mistakes of the addict, predict future calamity that will result if they stay on their current course, worry about the outcome, and attempt to avoid unpleasant outcomes by forcing the alcoholic to change. We become so enmeshed in the life problems of our loved one; we think that we can’t be OK unless they change. This belief is a fallacy.

Similar forces affect alcoholics who likewise react. Page 61 of the Big Book describes an actor in a play who applies varied traits to make the show come off more to his liking, stating he may be, “kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest.” And if things still don’t work out, more demanding or gracious, depending on the situation. Al-Anons also apply these varied traits when trying to force loved ones to change. Detaching from the situation and the other person, going inward spiritually, focusing on our own recovery, working the third step by turning our will and lives over to the care of a higher power of our understanding and the eleventh step by praying only for knowledge of the way and strength to trudge forward on that path, is the answer to the problem of worry in both programs.

Selfish Paradox

As a member of both Al-Anon and AA I find the selfishness topic and paradoxes particularly interesting. In AA we are told that selfishness is the root of our problem. Page 62 of the Big Book states, “Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate.” We are reminded that our pain is most often the result of making selfish decisions that placed us in a position to be hurt. And yet AA’s often talk of the selfishness of the AA program when referring to the importance of placing sobriety first. Without sobriety; serenity, family, friends, and job eventually disintegrate.

In Al-Anon we come to realize that the root of our problem is paying too much attention to the alcoholic behavior of friends and family. At first blush it appears we have been simply too self-giving when saving the addict from one after another situation caused by their addictive behavior. But often, when Al-Anons get gut-level honest we recognize that at least part of the time we saved our loved one not only because we loved them, but also because their continued progression down the addiction path reflected poorly upon ourselves and our martyrdom placed us in a comfortably controlling, judgmental position. This selfish component was revealed when we acknowledged that we thought that our lives could improve only if they changed their behavior. For Al-Anons to find serenity we must realize that we are in charge of our attitude and our self-care regardless of what the addict does.