Selfish Paradox

As a member of both Al-Anon and AA I find the selfishness topic and paradoxes particularly interesting. In AA we are told that selfishness is the root of our problem. Page 62 of the Big Book states, “Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate.” We are reminded that our pain is most often the result of making selfish decisions that placed us in a position to be hurt. And yet AA’s often talk of the selfishness of the AA program when referring to the importance of placing sobriety first. Without sobriety; serenity, family, friends, and job eventually disintegrate.

In Al-Anon we come to realize that the root of our problem is paying too much attention to the alcoholic behavior of friends and family. At first blush it appears we have been simply too self-giving when saving the addict from one after another situation caused by their addictive behavior. But often, when Al-Anons get gut-level honest we recognize that at least part of the time we saved our loved one not only because we loved them, but also because their continued progression down the addiction path reflected poorly upon ourselves and our martyrdom placed us in a comfortably controlling, judgmental position. This selfish component was revealed when we acknowledged that we thought that our lives could improve only if they changed their behavior. For Al-Anons to find serenity we must realize that we are in charge of our attitude and our self-care regardless of what the addict does.