One of the more frustrating recovery moments comes when given a
recovery tool (usually a spiritual principal) after calling a sponsor or
trusted friend in AA or Al-Anon with a hard-core, real-life problem. My initial
response to such an event in AA was to question if the advisor had been
listening. “Let me get this straight. I called you to talk about what to do
with my misbehaving son, about if I should have punished him, about how to
handle my anger, and instead of facing this problem head-on you want me to wash
the dishes by hand, feel angry, and call you back when I’m finished?” With time
the recovery message of staying in the present, doing the job that is in front
of me while allowing myself to have whatever feelings I’m having without trying
to change those feelings by engaging in AA addictive or Al-Anon codependent
behavior sunk in.
As an Al-Anon sponsor I’ve felt the scorn of the
sponsee when I’ve suggested the wisdom of reciting the serenity prayer, “God,
please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage
to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference” in the face
of abusive behavior by a drunken spouse. Giving a direct action answer such as
instructing the sponsee to stay and work things out or walk away and leave the
addict would be arrogant to imagine that I actually knew the right answer and
would hinder the sponsee from using their brain and their relationship with
their higher power to find their own answer.
Proverb (source unknown) - Give a man a fish and you
feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
