Detachment is an Al-Anon concept that is not mentioned, much less emphasized in AA. The crux of the Al-Anon illness is an inability to differentiate self from other. As Al-Anons, we focus on the mistakes of the addict, predict future calamity that will result if they stay on their current course, worry about the outcome, and attempt to avoid unpleasant outcomes by forcing the alcoholic to change. We become so enmeshed in the life problems of our loved one; we think that we can’t be OK unless they change. This belief is a fallacy.
Similar forces affect alcoholics who likewise react. Page 61 of the Big Book describes an actor in a play who applies varied traits to make the show come off more to his liking, stating he may be, “kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest.” And if things still don’t work out, more demanding or gracious, depending on the situation. Al-Anons also apply these varied traits when trying to force loved ones to change. Detaching from the situation and the other person, going inward spiritually, focusing on our own recovery, working the third step by turning our will and lives over to the care of a higher power of our understanding and the eleventh step by praying only for knowledge of the way and strength to trudge forward on that path, is the answer to the problem of worry in both programs.
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