Thursday, May 10, 2012

How does washing dishes and feeling angry help?



One of the more frustrating recovery moments comes when given a recovery tool (usually a spiritual principal) after calling a sponsor or trusted friend in AA or Al-Anon with a hard-core, real-life problem. My initial response to such an event in AA was to question if the advisor had been listening. “Let me get this straight. I called you to talk about what to do with my misbehaving son, about if I should have punished him, about how to handle my anger, and instead of facing this problem head-on you want me to wash the dishes by hand, feel angry, and call you back when I’m finished?” With time the recovery message of staying in the present, doing the job that is in front of me while allowing myself to have whatever feelings I’m having without trying to change those feelings by engaging in AA addictive or Al-Anon codependent behavior sunk in.
As an Al-Anon sponsor I’ve felt the scorn of the sponsee when I’ve suggested the wisdom of reciting the serenity prayer, “God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference” in the face of abusive behavior by a drunken spouse. Giving a direct action answer such as instructing the sponsee to stay and work things out or walk away and leave the addict would be arrogant to imagine that I actually knew the right answer and would hinder the sponsee from using their brain and their relationship with their higher power to find their own answer.
Proverb (source unknown) - Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

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