Detachment Via Steps 3 & 11

Detachment is an Al-Anon concept that is not mentioned, much less emphasized in AA. The crux of the Al-Anon illness is an inability to differentiate self from other. As Al-Anons, we focus on the mistakes of the addict, predict future calamity that will result if they stay on their current course, worry about the outcome, and attempt to avoid unpleasant outcomes by forcing the alcoholic to change. We become so enmeshed in the life problems of our loved one; we think that we can’t be OK unless they change. This belief is a fallacy.

Similar forces affect alcoholics who likewise react. Page 61 of the Big Book describes an actor in a play who applies varied traits to make the show come off more to his liking, stating he may be, “kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest.” And if things still don’t work out, more demanding or gracious, depending on the situation. Al-Anons also apply these varied traits when trying to force loved ones to change. Detaching from the situation and the other person, going inward spiritually, focusing on our own recovery, working the third step by turning our will and lives over to the care of a higher power of our understanding and the eleventh step by praying only for knowledge of the way and strength to trudge forward on that path, is the answer to the problem of worry in both programs.

Selfish Paradox

As a member of both Al-Anon and AA I find the selfishness topic and paradoxes particularly interesting. In AA we are told that selfishness is the root of our problem. Page 62 of the Big Book states, “Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate.” We are reminded that our pain is most often the result of making selfish decisions that placed us in a position to be hurt. And yet AA’s often talk of the selfishness of the AA program when referring to the importance of placing sobriety first. Without sobriety; serenity, family, friends, and job eventually disintegrate.

In Al-Anon we come to realize that the root of our problem is paying too much attention to the alcoholic behavior of friends and family. At first blush it appears we have been simply too self-giving when saving the addict from one after another situation caused by their addictive behavior. But often, when Al-Anons get gut-level honest we recognize that at least part of the time we saved our loved one not only because we loved them, but also because their continued progression down the addiction path reflected poorly upon ourselves and our martyrdom placed us in a comfortably controlling, judgmental position. This selfish component was revealed when we acknowledged that we thought that our lives could improve only if they changed their behavior. For Al-Anons to find serenity we must realize that we are in charge of our attitude and our self-care regardless of what the addict does.