I have noticed a difference about sharing in Al-Anon versus AA. The opening to many Al-Anon meetings includes the following statements, “As a group we wish to discourage crosstalk. We defined crosstalk as criticism, direct advise, interrupting or comments directed at an individual.” While many AA meetings traditionally discourage crosstalk, most don’t include guidelines about it in their opening statement. And in AA meetings it is common for people to refer specifically to what another shared, saying, “I don’t agree with what” so-and-so said, elaborating on why something doesn’t work for them, usually followed by how they have found a better way. Worse yet is the direct advice such as, “If I was in your situation, I would” do this, that, or some other thing or even tell them directly that they should take some specific course of action. Many of us have heard a crusty AA codger tell an agnostic or atheist newcomer, “You better get God or get drunk, Buddy.”

I started my 12-step path in AA. My first AA sponsor would often refer back to what two members said previously, agree with one, disagree with the other, and quote the Big Book to defend his opinion. I thought this was pretty cool and followed suit, boosting my fragile ego while developing into what I thought was an AA scholar of sorts, quoting page and verse. Later in recovery, after I going to Al-Anon and internalizing the Al-Anon opening, I realized that this behavior was divisive, derogatory, and kind of cowardly. Unless the person whose share I had derided double dipped, there was no opportunity for them to defend or explain their position. Beside that, do we really need such controversy in a 12-step meeting? And just as importantly, it is difficult to share what is in my heart, all the more so if my heart gets stepped upon after opening it up and laying it upon the meeting altar. Eventually my self-esteem became stronger and I realized that although I think in a point-counterpoint style, I don’t need to share those thoughts. Instead I stick to sharing my own experiences without referring directly to anyone else in the room, much less referring to others in a derogatory manner.